Some of My Jokes and My Sayings:

[brandonkatrena]

Some of My Jokes and My Sayings:

3. A News Reporter at a Press Conference: “Mr. President, What will You be Discussing at the Upcoming Meeting of World Leaders?” The President: “Candy Tastes Good.”


4. 7 Boxers Fought each Other at the Same Time during the Boxing Match.


5. The Onion Cried Tears When He was Chopped Up.


6. The Ant Thought There was no More to the World Than a Field of Grass.

7. You Put a Tattoo on Your Body Where?




13. Thomas’s Piggy Bank.

15. Are you an Angel?

16. Are you a Pit Viper?

19. Grandpa Stole My Soda Pop.

24. The Moth, Upon Seeing His Moth-Eaten Clothes With Holes, Thought to Himself, “This is What Happens When the Windows are left Open”.
27. The Man thought that he was 93% Alien, and that he was also 100% Human.
33. The Bandage Did Not Like to Wear Blood.
34. I Want to be a Beach Bum.
37. The Man cautioned Mr. David Waters and Mrs. Christine Waters that, “If you drink too much water you are going to die of water poisoning.”
40. There are many rooms in the Fun Room.
41. The pinata was filled with dead lizards.
42. The Man Asked For His Prescription from the Pharmacist, and the Pharmacist Yelled at Him, “Crackers and Beef Sticks! Sticks Beef and Crackers!”
43. I Don’t Want to be Sick.
50. The Boat Bobbed Gently in the Ocean, and the Boat Said, “I want to fly.”
55. Does your Grandpa have the Gramps Grumps?
65. “I have a surprise for you,” a wife said to her husband. She then pulled out a dead Lizard from a bag.
72. Do Your Feet Stink?
74. Mr. Jeremy Freeze was very cold.
78. Dr. Richard Richards, who worked as a Doctor in a Clinic, never Graduated from College, although he did attend College for 7 days.
79. The Musical Trio called “White Guys” Dreamed of Making It Big on Broadway.
81. My Dog Meowed, and My Cat Barked.
89. Get off the stage Presidential Candidate, I want to watch Jeopardy!
91. I won all of my wrestling matches.
92. A guy said to Me, “You are a good wrestler.”
93. On August 7th, Grandpa Filbert, his teeth green from cavities and gingivitis, wore his Santa Outfit, and he said, “Merry Christmas, Gary.”
94. “Do not touch my face,” said the Door Handle.
96. The Mean Man. The Nice Man. The Mean Man and The Nice Man are the Same Person.
97. The Weeping Willow Wept.
100. Many individuals believed to have been Geniuses were not very smart.
103. Buddy the Dog got a brainscan.
104. Mom Kicked Dad out of the House When He Explained Why He Came Home Late.
106. Grandpa, Why is Your First Name Sarah?
110. Psychological Projection
111. I Do Not Want to Do That.
114. The Man said to the Small Jar of Huckleberry Jam, “You are Such a Huckster.”


115. “Thank you,” said the Minotaur.
116. I am one of Them. I am one of US. I am We.
119. Thank you for the candy bar, and I want you to stop drinking my coffee.
122. The Dentist Who was Afraid of Going to the Dentist.
127. He won an Olympic Gold Medal for Eating the Most Hot Dogs.
130. Do you accept bottles for payment?
131. The van said, “Sloppy’s”
132. I am cold-blooded.
134. I will have a Hamburger with a Chainsaw on the Side.
135. Wouldn’t it Suck to be a Christmas Wreath?
140. We are the Good Guys.
143. He legally changed his first name to “Grandpa”.
146. Tony thought that he was a Unicorn.
151. Upon being elected President of the United States of America, The Ninja, while wearing his Ninja outfit and twirling two numbchucks, gave a speech to a Joint Session of the United States Congress. The Ninja also belched loudly 7 times during this speech.

154. Mrs. Cute Chick.

156. Covered head to toes in jeans, James Smith believed that he was a pair of jeans.

160. For 700 years, a nurse lived in the hospital’s basement.


161. The 13 year-old stood in line to vote for President of the United States of America.
165. Many individuals thought Dr. Thomas Beers was a Genius until they found out that he had Downs Syndrome.

169. “At least we had ice for our drinks,” said a Titanic Survivor.

172. When the guy said “Yes Sir,” tuna fish spewed forth from his mouth.

174. The Bee Who Did Not Like to Eat Honey.

176. A guy went to a job interview with purple paint all over his face, a cuckoo clock on his head, fake Vampire teeth covering his teeth, and wearing torn green jeans four sizes too small for his body. His first name was Portland.
186. After the Sermon, the Pastor said to each Member of the Congregation who left through the doors, “Do not eat a Rabbit’s Foot.”

190. Ockham’s Razor is False.


192. Not a Believer in Using Drinking Glasses, the Waiter Took a Big Drink Out of the Orange Juice Pitcher Before Asking if a Customer Wanted Some More OJ.

193. During the Trial, the Man suing the Defendant got out of his chair in the Jury Box, and He then went to the Witness Chair.


195. For 700 years, the famous Actor had bacon and pancakes with butter and syrup every day for breakfast. How healthy do you think he was?


199. There were only two things on the Menu at the Restaurant: Bacon and Eggs.



200. Congratulations! You are Pregnant. It is a Cougar. 

More of My Jokes and My Sayings:

209. A Woman Changed her First Name to “Texas.”

235. Buddy the Dog Likes to Play Board Games


236. A guy won a 488 million dollar lottery prize. Unfortunately for him, the lottery ticket was written with disappearing ink. The Pumpkin Monster strikes again.

251. You should have seen what was going on inside the Moving Truck.
255. Once you Go Blonde, you never Go Back.

259. An Ice Cream Store Worker, “What would you like to try?” The Customer’s Answer: “Spaghetti Flavored Ice Cream with a Carrot on Top.”

280. “Variety is the Spice of Life,” said Mr. Cinnamon.

281. There have been Some Close Calls.

291. A Concerned Citizen to a Police Officer at a Police Station: “I’m here to Report that a Young Man jaywalked.” The Police Officer: “Can you describe Him more to Me?” The Concerned Citizen: “He was a Young Man who jaywalked, what more information would you need?”

308. A Woman with a Camera in Her Hand said to a Family who were getting Their Picture Taken: “Say, ‘A Good Machiavellian Design.’”
309. A few seconds after Meeting Each Other, Two Men High-Fived Each Other, and They Both said, “Soda Pop.”

312. A Woman Blows a Whistle Every Time after she says “Hi” to someone, and she also yells, “Touchdown.”
313. After a Large Birthday Cake’s Candles are Blown Out, the Cake Batter goes everywhere, covering those near to it with Cake Batter.
314. A Man named Anthony said to a Man named Jack about a Man named Brian, “Brian this is Jack, and Jack this is My Friend Brian, My Blonde Haired Friend whom I also call Blondie.”
317. “What do you do for a Living?” A Man asked A Guy. The Guy Replied: “I am a Grape, and I work for The Grape Empire.”
319. A Man picked up a Television with one hand, and He set it down on a couch. Another Man tried to pick it up with both hands, and he could not, saying, “Whoa! This is too Heavy.” A Small Child picks the television up and moves around, and after the Small Child sets the television down, a Small Midget picks up the television set, and the Small Midget sets the television on the stand on the table in the Living Room.
322. A Man asked a Puppy Dog, “What college did you get your Ph.D. from?”


327. A Sailor, with packages of Moth Balls in his hands, and, after opening the packages, threw the Moth Balls on Boats, while saying to another Sailor, “I have Orders to Moth Ball the Fleet.”



329. A Nurse Looked at a Thermometer after it was in a Man’s Mouth, and He said, “The Main Thing that Will Save You is if this Thermometer Displays the Number 100.”

331. In a Lawyer’s Office, an Attorney said to his Client, “Don’t worry, the Statute of Limitations Expired 800 years ago.”

333. A Man said, “One of My Favorite Organizations is The VG.”
335. Two Flags with Big Happy Faces were carried to the Front of a Meeting, and a Man said, “All Rise for the Pledge of Allegiance to the Happy Face Flags.” And those in the Room said, “I Pledge Allegiance to the Happy Face Flags.”

341. I have No Beef with That Hamburger Joint.
345. In a Restaurant, a Man who was also a Waiter did Karate Chops on a Salad, and He said to a Customer, “Here is your Chopped Salad.”

349. The Author Published the 89,438th Edition of His Book.

351. A Sign Said, “Caution: Clowns at Play”.

352. What a Difference a Century Makes.

355. Have you heard of a 5th year High School Senior? He was a 21st year High School Senior.

361. Are you an Alligator?

364. In a Courtroom, a Judge Approved a Motion by the Prosecutor to Charge an 8 Year Old Child as an Adult for the Crime of Watching Television Past His Bedtime.


366. A Waiter was holding cheese in his hand, and he said to a Man at a Restaurant: “You asked Me to hold the cheese on your hamburger. How long do you want Me to hold the cheese?”

372. The Bank Teller told The Man that The Man owed The Bank 88 Trillion dollars, and “how would you like to pay for that? With Cash or Credit Card?”

375. The Initial Public Offering (IPO) for The Chipmunk Catcher Corporation was Met with Applause at The Stock Exchange.

376. A Man Asked, “Who do you want to win? The Man in the Pink Trunks, or The Man in the Rainbow Colored Trunks?”

386. Throughout the Day, a Man Frequently Pulled Up His Jogging Pants.
388. A Man Came into a Sandwich Shop, and He Said to the Store Worker, “I bought this Sandwich from Your Store 21 years Ago, and I need to Return it, as I need some Gas Money.”

389. It can Be Cold in DC. It can Be Cold Anywhere. Anyone can Be Cold. It can Be Nice in DC. It can Be Nice Anywhere. Anyone can Be Nice. There are Good Times to Be Cold. There are Good Times to Be Nice. Cold. Nice. -- Brandon


392. A Man was Weighed on a Scale at a Clinic, and the Doctor said, “You weigh Seven Pounds, and you should lose about 3 More Pounds to be at a Healthy Weight.”


399. “What are you doing? I’m Not Choking, ” repeatedly said a Man, as Many Restaurant Workers and Many Patrons at a Restaurant Repeatedly Gave a Man The Heimlich Maneuver, while Several of Them Said, “This Will Help you Stop Choking,” and “Let’s Get That Food Out of Your Windpipe,” and, “You’ll be Able to Breathe Again Soon Sir,” even though He Was Not Choking. 

401. A Man Began to Chortle when He Thought That a Portal was a Moral Mortal.

402. “You have Gestational Diabetes,” a Doctor told His Male Patient. “Gestational Diabetes?! I’m a Man. I can’t Be Pregnant.” The Doctor: “By the look of that Big Belly of Yours I Beg to Differ.”

403. A Man fell Down at a Party in a Field, and People Around Him Began to Fall Down One By One in a Large Domino Formation. There was then a Zooming Out, and the Domino Formation spelled the Word “MOM” in Cursive.

404. A Man began to Put Ropes all over Another Man’s Body, while saying, “Our Boss Asked Me to Teach You The Ropes, and That is What I am Doing.”

405. The Man Did Not Wake Up from His Sleep. And Yet He Did.

407. A Man Pulled His Car into a Gas Station, and The Man said, “Fill it Up. No, Fill It Up Halfway. No, Fill it Up a Quarter. No, Fill it Up an Eighth. No, Fill it Up 0.0003%. Do you have a Siphon?” The Gas Attendant, “Yes.” The Man, “Fill it Up Negative 88 Percent.”


408. A Man went for a Job Interview, and The Man Giving The Interview kept on Saying, “There are thousands of Snakes crawling all over Me. Do you see the Snakes? There are thousands of Snakes crawling on Me. Here I caught One. Isn’t this a Big Snake?” And The Other Man said, “I don’t see any Snakes. Is it Imaginary Day Today?”

409. A Coat had a Price Tag of Negative 88 Trillion Dollars. A Man said to a Clerk, “This Price Tag for This Coat Must be Wrong, because it says Negative 88 Trillion Dollars.” And the Clerk said, “No, it is Not Wrong. If you want the Coat, here is your Briefcase of 7 Million Dollars, and the Rest of the Money that you’ll get is down in Our Basement, and also in a Warehouse that is Currently being Fumigated for Fleas.”

411. A Television Host: “Thank you Ronald Maynard for the Interview.” Ronald Maynard: “Why Thank You for Interviewing Me, and I Thank Myself, Ronald Maynard, for this Interview. I did a Great Job during this Interview, and I was Very Much on the Ball, and I did a Wonderful Job for this Interview. And I thank you, the Viewers of this Television Show, for Watching Me Doing such a Great Job being Interviewed.”

412. A Ceramics Instructor: “Annie, you really Broke the Mold this time with your Ceramics.” Annie: “Were My Ceramics really that Good?” The Ceramics Instructor: “No, I mean you literally Broke the Mold,” as the Instructor Pointed to the Broken Ceramics Mold.


415. Many People Often Just Talk in Order to Talk. Many People Do Not Often Really Mean what They Talk About or Write About. Many People Often Just Shoot the Breeze. As the Truthful saying and metaphor states, “Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, But Words Will Never Hurt Me.” – Brandon


416. Many Things are Important. And Many Things are Not Important. Many Things are Good. And Many Things are Not Good. Many Things are True. And Many Things are Not True. Good is That Which Father God would approve of. Good is only That Which Father God would approve of. Truth is Reality. Truth is only that which is Real. -- Brandon

418. A Patron left the following on the Restaurant’s Bill for a Meal: I Pay the Bill in Full. And, as to the Gratuity, I Bequeath to You, Waiter, a Gratuity in the Amount of Zero Dollars and Zero Cents, and I instead Request from You an Amount in the Sum of 31 Trillion Dollars, which should Be Sufficient to Pay for the Harm Caused By Looking at You.


419. Don’t you Hate the Pieces of Plastic that bind some Dress Socks together? It is like, why do they put those Pieces of Plastic in some Dress Socks? I don’t know, do they bind the socks together in order it to keep the socks from running away? And why do some stores put pins in pants? Are they trying to punish the pants?


420. At a Party, a Man with a French Press in His Hand said, while pouring glasses from the French Press, “This Coffee has been Aged 58 years, and I’m sure that it Tastes Great.”

421. Do you have a Direct Telephone Line to Mother Nature? (A Joke Told to Me over the Telephone by My Grandma Carolyn, and Written with Her Permission.)

422. It Seems Like Yesterday, and It also Seems, and Was, a Long Time Ago.

423. A Man kept on asking People that He Met at a Party, “Do you have an Awesome Memory? Do you have a Photographic Memory?”

429. “Oh, I just love Canada,” said a Woman. “It is the Place that I was Born and Raised. My Heart is in Canada. And I mean that literally, as I had a Heart Transplant in Montreal.”

435. He Made Fun of Them because He Sort of Liked Them.

440. “He is as Smart as a Whip,” said a Woman as She Whipped a Whip.

441. “How old are you?” a guy asked a Man. “31 years old,” replied The Man. The guy said, “You don’t look a day older than 121 years old.”

446. A Man played a Piano. And He then said, “Time for the Miniature Version of the Song,” and He then played a Small Piano about the size of a Hand.

448. Psychologically, it was Temporarily Devastating.

449. The Fan was Dizzy, and It was Also Tired, from Going Around and Around.

449. A Man said to a guy who was loading up furniture into a Moving Truck, “Let Me Chip in. Chip. Chip. Chip.” as He began to Chip away at an Ice Cream Bar with His Hand, throwing the Pieces of the Ice Cream Bar as well as Potato Chips Here, There, and Everywhere.

450. At a Town Hall Meeting, a Woman said, “And that is why I want the Law Changed to Require Schoolchildren to Wear Earmuffs and Scarves in the Month of June.” The Host said, “Thank you for your Input at Our Town Hall Meeting. Is there someone else who would like to Contribute to Our Discussion?” A Man raised His Hand, and He said, “I would like to give My 2 Cents.” He then Handed the Host 2 Cents, and He said to the Host, “Here are My 2 Cents. Now go buy yourself a decent toupee.”

455. A Grandmother Almost called the Police After Overhearing Her Grandson Talking on His Cell Phone, until She Realized that He was Talking about a Video Game.

456. All that Change Adds Up, for Good or for Bad, and Sometimes, in Some Ways, for Both Good and for Bad. And I’m Not Just talking about Pocket Change. A Good, Comprehensive, and Real Understanding is Needed. And then Good Actions that have Good Results can Happen. Many things Should Not Be Changed. And many things Should Be Changed. As a Truthful saying and metaphors states, “If it is not broke, do not fix it.”

461. I have put on Dozens of My Different Shirts on My One Body.

462. Just Like That.

463. A Man Daydreamed about Lower Interest Rates, Lower Payments, and Reduced Bills.

464. There is a Mark on the Carpet. Even if the Mark is Removed, there will always have been, whether it is Important or whether it is Not Important, and whether it is Very Important or whether it is Not Very Important, a Mark on the Carpet. If an Action occurs, that Action has occurred, whether it is an Important Action or whether it is Not an Important Action, and whether it is a Very Important Action or whether it is Not a Very Important Action, and whether it is a Good Action or whether it is Not a Good Action. Some Things are Important. And Some Things are Not Important. Some Things are Very Important. And Some Things are Not Very Important. Some Things are Good. And Some Things are Not Good.


466. I am The Happy Birthday Wisher for My Family and My Friends.

467. Many Good Wishes Come True. Good Wish.

469. I am Special. He is Special. She is Special. We are Special. I am Good. He is Good. She is Good. We are Good. I am Moral. He is Moral. She is Moral. We are Moral.

472. A 32 Year Old Man said to His Mother, “Think if I had Never Learned How to Read and Write.”

473. A Man said, “I am Not Biting. I am Unbiting.”

478. One of My, Brandon’s, Parables and Metaphors: A Man said “Hi” when Two People Walked in the Door at about the Same Time. He probably was saying “Hi” to Both of the People, although He May have only been saying “Hi” to one of Them. Both People probably thought, whether Correctly or Not Correctly, that The Man was saying “Hi” to both of Them.

Perceptions, how someone Perceives Reality and Non-Reality, often Varies from Person to Person. As a Truthful Saying and Metaphor States: “Guard Your tongue, as you would Guard Your Life.”


480. If someone does not sleep, He or She will eventually probably Pass Out and Go to Sleep that Way. Many certain things happen, or do not happen, regardless of someone’s desire for certain things to happen or to not happen.

481. She Did Not Set the Clocks Forwards or Backwards for Daylight Savings Time, and for Half of the Year She was an Hour Early to Appointments, and for Half of the Year She was an Hour Late to Appointments. However, She is Still Special.

482. A Man asked a Bluebird who was eating from a Bird Feeder, “Are you a Bluebird? Are you also a Teacher?”

483. A Man had an Operation on His Hand, which Completely Fixed His Hand. And for the Rest of His Life, for over 12 years, all that He Talked about to His Family and Friends was How He Had Prepared for that Surgery.

486. A guy asked His Mom, “What was My First Word?” The Mom said, “Your First Word was ‘Loony,’ and Your Second Word was ‘Tunes’. And that is what you are.”

492. Shooting The Breeze.

494. A Man said to a Woman: “I Remember that it Was 18 Years Ago When You Told Me in a Movie Theater that I Had a Great Memory.”

495. Every day, a Man picked up from His Driveway His Daily Newspaper that was Always Completely Filled from Page to Page with Stories that happened 108 years ago, which He read while Watching on His 1966 Black and White Television Set The Television News Channel that for 32 years only talked about The Moon Landing.

496. Some things serve a Good Purpose to Accomplish Good Things.

499. Let Him Go.



501. 26 years ago the Soda Machine worked. Now it doesn’t.

503. He is Clever by Three Fourths.

504. He was Just Talking to Talk.

508. He does Not have the Sense to be a Good Manager of His Cents.

509. Mr. John Crackle Cracked Up When the Plate Cracked and Fell down the Street’s Crack.

510. His Mom told Her Son to turn the House’s Thermometer to 212 degrees, as She was Cold.

511. I Love You so Much.

512. Mr. Thomas Curly Cut and Curled His Curly and Cute Hair, while Uttering a Curt and Blood-Curdling Reply to a Question asked by His Wife about Milk Curds.

513. His Smartphone was Too Smart for Him.

514. He sometimes got Mad when His Door was left Unlocked. He did Not Get Mad when His Door Was left Unlocked when His Hands were Full.

516. Mrs. Kendall’s Doll was all Dolled Up after a Lot of Money Was Doled Out to Mr. Dole.

519. You and I are Thinking, don’t do it: They have Nukes.

521. Until about the year 2001, credit cards were rarely used for Fast Food Purchases.

524. A Sketchy Skier was Skiing while doing a Skit in Sanskrit.

528. If a Plate Breaks, it has Broke, whether it is Important or Not Important, and whether it is Very Important or Not Very Important. If, however, a Plate Does Not Break and Instead Just gets Pieces of Shards on It from a Broken Plate, those Shards can Just Be Washed Off, whether it is Important or Not Important, and whether it is Very Important or Not Very Important. As the Truthful Saying and Metaphor states: “No Harm, No Foul.”


532. A Man who was 33 Years of Age Only Ate Pizzas Topped Exclusively with Bananas. He was known to His Friends as The Banana Pizza Man.


533. A Three Year Old Child was Given a Credit Card for Her Birthday Present.

534. Many Individuals Have Money Highs and Money Lows throughout their Lives.


536. A Man Had Not Eaten in 33 Years. And He was Very Hungry.

538. Before a Morbidly Obese Man was Banned for Life from Eating at an All You Can Eat Buffet, the Restaurant’s Accountant Calculated that over the years The Morbidly Obese Man’s Excessive Eating had cost the Restaurant 33 Trillion Dollars and 32 Cents.

539. A Memory Snapshot.

541. I used to be Too Young to Understand that Movie. I am No Longer Too Young to Understand that Movie.

546. A Man said to Buddy the Dog: “You have it very Good Here. Never Run away from Home, Buddy the Dog. You live like Royalty, and you live like a King in comparison to Most People. The World can be a Very Scary and a Very Mean Place, which is something that you do not fully understand, which is why you try to run away.”


547. A Man spoke French, and He said, “Monsieur David Damon demande un daiquiri demain.”
548. A 32 Year Old Man said to His Mother, “Mom, 24 Years Ago, when I was 8 years of age, you Promised to Buy Me a Coloring Book, and You Forgot to Get Me that Coloring Book. Yesterday, I went to the store, and I bought Crayons, and I am Still Waiting for that Coloring Book from You.”

550. In Comparison to a Trout, I am a Gigantic Giant. And in Comparison to a Gigantic Giant, I am Small. To a Trout, I may be thought of as being a Gigantic Giant. And to a Gigantic Giant, I may be thought of as being Small.

553. A Man took out His Artificial Glass Eye, and He Put it on a Woman’s Arm, while He said, “I have My Eye on You.”

557. A Nurse told the Patient, “I’ll check on you in about 20 Minutes,” and then the Nurse left. 3 Seconds Later, the Nurse opens the Patient’s door, and He says, “It’s been about 20 minutes, how are you doing?” The Patient, “I’m doing great.” A Nurse then told the Patient again, “I’ll check on you in about 20 Minutes,” and then the Nurse left. 3 Seconds Later, the Nurse opens the Patient’s door, and He says, “It’s been about 20 minutes, how are you doing?” The Patient, “I’m doing great. It has only been a few seconds since you last checked on Me.” The Nurse replied, “Something must be wrong with the Clock in the Hall.”

558. At a Party, all that a Man said was the word, “Bear.” A Woman said, “Hi, My name is Mary. What is your name?” The Man replied, “Bear.” The Woman said, “Mr. Bear, would you like Me to get you a drink?” The Man said, “Bear.” Mary said, “I know that you are named Bear. Would you like an Appetizer instead?” The Man said, “Bear.”

563. The 821 Page Book on How to Remove Mildew from Bathtubs was, Surprisingly, Not a Page Turner.

564. To those Customers who Ordered Ice Cream Cones, and who the Fast Food Worker did Not like, the Ice Cream Cones were put in the To Go Bags along with the rest of the food.

565. The Book’s Page Numbers went from pages 1 to 2 then to page 863 then to 101 then to 21, and then it went downhill from there.

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567. A Man asked another Man why He was in The Hospital’s Emergency Room, and He replied: “My Body’s Transmission is Shot, My Right Eye’s Windshield Wiper is Acting Up, and the Brakes on My Feet aren’t Working.”


568. Is there a Serious Risk in having Him Write Some Wry and Witty Writs with His Broken Wrist?

569. A Man said to a Woman, “In order to save money on Deodorant, I only Wash My Armpits every Monday Night.”

570. From TV Stars to Radio Personalities to the Average Joe Blows to the Average Jane Blows, 83,298 Individuals, and 3 Dogs, and 2 Cats, were Successful in Suing Him for Defamation. Bankruptcy Solved His Problems.

572. At a High School Reunion, a Man said in Reply to Everything People said: “Do I have your permission to Use that in My Joke Book?”

573. A Supermarket had Signs that Advertised its, “Non-Special Deal of the Day.”

574. The Doctor said, “Symptoms of the Disease include having to Urinate.” The Patient, “You mean Excessive Urination?” The Doctor said, “No, I mean that any Urination at all is a Symptom of the Disease. Even if you tinkle a small sprinkle, you probably have the Disease.”

575. A Clinical Trial showed that the average person lost only 0.00038 pounds over a period of 21 weeks while on the Dietary Supplement. That Weight Loss Company’s Wallets were not the only things to remain Fat.


576. A Man was on His Way to Eat His 781st Brownie of the Day.


579. A Liquid Cheese Spray had the Warning: “Do Not Use this Liquid Cheese Spray as a Hair Spray.”

580. You Should Not Out Clever Yourself. You Should Not Over Clever Yourself. You Should Not Be Too Clever.

584. At Noon and at Night, a Nitpicker Knelt while He Knitted a Nice Pair of Knickers for a Knight.

585. A guy asked a Man, “What is that sound?” The Man replied, “Oh, that’s just Izzy, My Dad, Anthony, Benjamin, Corey, Elizabeth, Abel, Grandpa and Grandma, and other Family and Friends talking while they are in the Walls. Sometimes they talk while they are in the Ceilings, Home Ventilation System, or in the Television Set. They have each been genetically engineered to be about one inch tall.”

586. Do you know what Separates Men from Animals? Men are not afraid of Vacuums.

589. I have walked with My Grandpa Sid into Lakes in order to Fish For Miles and Miles.

590. A Gas Attendant asked a Man, “Would you like Me to put some Air into that Flat Tire of Yours?” The Man said, “As long as you Do Not Put on Airs.”

594. A Woman said to a Man, “I hope that Bob was Lying to Me.” The Man, “Why would you want Bob to Lie to You?” The Woman, “Because He told Me that He had Stage 4 Brain Cancer.”

595. A Man said to His Mother, “Maybe We Should Do the Whipple Surgical Procedure on Grandma Irene.” The Mother Said, “What?! Grandma Irene has been dead for over 20 years. She Died of Pancreatic Cancer.” The Man replied, “It is Better Late than Never.”

596. A Man was 23 Hours Late, and He was 87 Cents Short.

597. A Woman Moved a Dog Outside, and She said to the Dog, “Go Potty Outside.” And the Dog said, “Forget that Lady, I Go Potty Inside the House while on the Toilet.”

598. A Man said to a Gigantic Giant: “Get your Head Out of the Clouds. And I mean that literally.”

599. A Man said to a guy, “I’ll buy your house for $485,000.” And the guy replied, “If you increase your offer by one penny, we’ll have a deal.” The Man picked up a Penny from the Ground, and He handed the Penny to the guy, and The Man sad, “We have a Deal.”

600. A Man was thrown from a Bicycle, and He landed in an empty seat at an Outdoor Café. Sitting across from His was His Long Lost Girlfriend, and the Man said, “Monica, is that you?”

And Some More of My Jokes and My Sayings:

601. Some Jobs Should Be Performed Delicately. As is the case with many Surgeries, sometimes the Most Direct Method is Not the Best Method. While sometimes the Most Direct Method is the Best Method.

602. In the Preexistence, when the Earth was preformed, Good Angels Performed Great Performances, and the consequences still periodically permeate pretty much everything Today.



605. He said that when He was a Little Kid. He is No Longer a Little Kid. You probably also said a Lot of Things when you were a Little Kid. You, I, and Other People have said a Lot of Things. And words do not usually matter very much. Words are just words. As the truthful saying and metaphor says, “Sticks and Stones may Break My Bones, but Words Will Never Hurt Me.”

606. A Man was Named Mr. Scary, and He Lived Up to His Name.

607. At a Beauty Pageant, an Announcer said about a Contestant: “And She Used to Own Her Own Body. Pretty Neat, Huh?”

609. A Man asked Buddy the Dog, “Buddy, Which Beauty Pageant Contestant do you Want to Win?” And Buddy the Dog said, “The one who will give Me a Piece of Roast Beef.”

613. A Man said, “I Don’t Like Going to Zoos or to Circuses, as I don’t want to be on a Menu.”

615. Buddy the Dog was Repeatedly Scratching at the Couch, as He was Digging for Imaginary Bones.


616. I have been around a lot of people, and they, like Me, have sometimes Shot the Breeze: Talked Just to Talk. You too have probably sometimes Shot the Breeze: Talked Just to Talk. As the truthful saying and metaphor says: "Sticks and stones may break My bones but words will never hurt Me." What someone says rarely really matters. Actions, what someone does, are Important. – Brandon

617. I always have to Recharge My Cell Phone after getting off the Phone with Her. And that is OK.

618. A Mother said to Her Son, “No, No.” And the Son Replied, “I Know, Know.”
619. Bill Hitchins went to the Restroom about 1,238 times a Day. His Nickname was Urinal Bill.

620. The Homes on the Street of Dreams quickly became The Homes on the Street of Nightmares.

622. A Woman said to a Man, “Do you have a Pen and Some Paper in order to Write Down My Telephone Number?” The Man Replied, “No, but I have Smoke and Mirrors to Write that Down.”
623. At a Meeting, a Man said to a Group of Men and Women, “My name is Apple Red, and I am a Recovering Addict: I used to Brush and Floss My Teeth about 21 Dozen Times a Day. I am a Recovering Brusher and Flosser.” The Men and Women said in Unison, “Hi Apple Red.”


625. One of My, Brandon’s, Parables and Metaphors: Some Glasses, such as Coffee Cups and Coffee Mugs, are Good at Holding Hot Drinks, such as coffees and teas, as well as Cold Drinks, such as water and colas. Other Glasses, such as the Glass Glasses, are Good at Almost Exclusively Holding Cold Drinks. You and Other Individuals Avoid Getting Burnt from Hot Liquids in Coffee Cups and Coffee Mugs with there being a Separation between Yourself and the Coffee Cup and Coffee Mug, which is a Handle Connected to the Cup or Mug; if that Handle gets Severely Broken, it is Hard for that Cup or Mug to be Useful at Holding Hot Drinks again, unless there are Repairs. Almost Everyone, and Almost Everything, can be Useful in Good Ways.

626. A Man said, “I Do Not Want My Monster to Come Out.”

627. A Man heard a Woman say to Her 88 Dogs, Cats, and Parakeets, “Time for US to go to the Portland Trailblazers Basketball Game.” He no longer believed that She was Pulling Their Legs when She loaded her Dogs, Cats, and Parakeets in Her Van.


634. The Burly Bear Bared His Bare Teeth while Bearing a Beautiful Beer and Eating a Deer.


635. The 2 Men were about to Play Chess, and they were setting up the Chess Board, when one of the Men said, “Checkmate. I won.” The other Man said, “We haven’t even started yet.” And the Man replied, “You are a Sore Loser.”

636. The Electricity Turned off in a Man’s House, and for 51 years, the Man sat at a Chair in His Living Room without Electricity, and He constantly wondered what to do about that. It never Dawned on Him to go in His Garage and Turn the Breakers on and off, which would have restored His Electricity.

637. A Mother asked Her Son, “What Color of Carpet do you want in Your Room?” The Man replied, “Every color is fine except for Pink.”

639. A Man said to His Mother, “If They are Looking to Hire a Good Person for that Job, They Will Hire You.”


641. A Man said to another Man, “This Bible is meant for your Pocket, it is a Pocket Bible,” regarding a Bible the Size of a Large Laptop Computer.

643. A Man had a Salt Shaker, and He Poured Salt on a guy, and The Man said, “Grab a Grain of Salt, as you’ll need to Take a Grain of Salt with what I’m about to Tell You.”

644. The Bean Counter Moonlighted as a Marble Counter.

645. A Man said, “I’ll give My 100 Cents Worth of Advice to You.”

647. A Man Looked into a Piece of Body Armor, and something or someone in the Body Armor said, “Booo!”

648. A Man asked a Woman, “What is your Ethnicity?” And the Woman replied, “A Little Labrador, a Little English Bulldog, a Lot of British, and a Whole Lot of Yelder.”

652. A Man was Sick with the Flu for 58 years.

654. A Bunch of Doctors Looked at the MRI of the Brain of a Man, whose Brain on the MRI was the Size of a Walnut, while one of the Doctors Said, “He’s as Smart as a Whip. Well He’s maybe not as Smart as a Whip, but with a Brain the Size of a Walnut, He’s as Smart as a Large Dinosaur.”

656. A Man said, “There are Some Food Riots. That’s all.”
660. A Mother said to a Father, "Michael, Our Son Needs Financial Help Again. Get your Penny Purse from the Safe."

664.) When a guy was trying to get some straws, a Man said, "You are Literally Grasping at Straws."

666.) A Man’s Favorite Drink was Spaghetti Sauce Mixed with Orange Juice with a Hint of Some Lemon.

667.) The Fleur de Lis is a Flower, while Flour is Not a Flower.

668.) A Boy asked His Dad, “Is a Car a Computer? And is a Bird an Elephant? And is a Beetle a Bee?” And His Dad said to His Son, “I’ll Have to Go the Library to Do Research to Find Answers to those Questions.”

669.) A Man was Frequently Terrified that a Great White Shark would Come Through His Bathtub’s Faucet.


674.) Sometimes it is Good to Coast. Sometimes it is Good to Coast Along. Many times it is Good to Have a Lot of Good Fun. -- Brandon

675.) A Man pointed to the Earth, and He said, “Darn you Earth for having a Quake.”

676.) Mr. Good Check Mark Strikes Again.

677. A Restaurant Had a Sign on Its Door that Stated, “We are Open for Business 83 Hours a Day, 8 Days a Week.”

678. For 32 Straight Hours, a Man went 8,300 Miles Per Hour in His Car. He only stopped because his Car’s Gas Ran Out.

679. In a Big City Called Rap City, with a Population of 100,100,000 People, Rap Music was on 100 Percent of the City’s 84 Radio Stations, 100 Percent of the Time.

680. A Car Got 8.3 Billion Miles Per Gallon of Gas. It was an Environmentally Friendly Car.



682. A Man Sometimes Looked and Sounded Scary when He Laughed.

683. Many of My Male Family Members Bellies got Big Right After Eating Thanksgiving Meals, and it was Time to Adjust Their Belts.


684. Every day, a Man spent about three and a half hours Using 108 Sticks of Deodorant for His Arm Pits.


685. Instead of Saying “Right On,” a Woman frequently said, “Rap On.” For example, a Man said, “I got a Job Today,” and the Woman said, “Rap On.” The Man said, “You mean Right On, don’t you?” And the Woman replied, “Rap On.”


686. A Food Item had “Eat this Candy by 800 years after the Manufacturing Date.”


687. A Man was Brought to Trial for the Crime of Jaywalking 800 years after He Died, and He of course was unavailable to Really be Brought to Trial. The Defense Attorney said, “Judge, I understand that the Statute of Limitations have not expired, as Charges were brought against the Defendant before He Died; however, I object to this Trial, as the Defendant is Not Here to Defend Himself against the Charge of Jaywalking, as the Defendant Died about a thousand years ago.” The Prosecutor Responded, “Your Honor, I Cite Prosecutorial Discretion as a Basis for this Trial.” The Judge of course Threw out the Case, citing the Need for the Defendant to be in Court to Defend Himself against the Charge of Jaywalking.



688. A Man was Covered Head to Toe with Bandages, and The Man said to a Woman, “How do you like My new Bandage Outfit?”


697. A State Legislator named Brad went to the State Senate and introduced a bill to eliminate the question of a Defendant’s Mens Rea, and of course the State Senate did not approve the Motion, and many Fellow Legislators knew that the State Supreme Court and/or the United States Supreme Court would find the Motion Unconstitutional, and many Fellow Legislators questioned Brad’s Mens Rea for introducting a bill to eliminate the question of a Defendant’s Mens Rea.

698. A Man said, “I’m 20% Lion, 10% Wolf, 10% Grizzly Bear, and 60% Swedish. I am Swedish.”

699. Using Special Effects, Waiters and Waitresses passed Soda Pop from one mouth to other mouths until they poured it into a Customer’s Glass.

700. A Senator Filibustered when a Bill was being Debated about Limiting Filibusters in The Senate.

701. I Remember. I Remembered.

702. He Remembers. He Remembered.

703. She Remembers. She Remembered.

704. They Remember. They Remembered.

705. We Remember. We Remembered.

706. A Man had a Pair of Scissors, and He said, “I am No Longer going to be anyone’s Puppet. I am going to cut the strings of My Puppeteer.”

708. Aunt Mable crafted a Fable while Sitting at Her Marble Table and Watching Cable and Writing on Her Envelope a Label.

709. Why do they call a Single Jean a Pair of Jeans, and why do they have Jeans in Plural form, when it should be in Singular Form, with Jeans instead of Jean? And Why do they call a Single Scissor a Pair of Scissors, and why do they have Scissors in Plural form, when it should be in Singular Form, with Scissors instead of Scissor? My Theory is either because there are two pants legs on a single jean, and thus pair, and therefore plural form, and two blades on a single scissor, and thus pair, and therefore plural form, and/or because it sounds better with the words in plural form rather than in singular form, and with the addition of the words “Pair of.”

711. A Jury was Composed of 12 Puppy Dogs. The Prosecutor said, “The Prosecution Objects to there being Puppy Dogs as Members of the Jury.” And The Judge said, “Don’t you like Puppy Dogs?” And then the Judge said, “Ok, Ok, Bailiff Bring in the Next Round of Jurors,” and then Twelve Children who were about 7 years of age came in, and The Prosecutor said, “Your Honor, I Object. These People can’t be on the Jury, as They are Just Children.” And The Judge said, “What? You don’t like Children also? Mr. Prosecutor, You Exasperate Me. For Littering, I sentence your Client to 101 years of Prison.

713. A Man put on White Pads all over His Body, and He Said, “It’s Time to Pad those Numbers.”

714. A Man said, “I almost hit the Number 7 on My Calculator, which would have been a Disaster.”
715. A Mother said to Her Three Young Children, “It is Time for you to go to School at the Nursing Home.”

717. At a Doctor’s Office, a Man said to a Doctor, “Doctor, I would like a Blood Test.” The Doctor said, “What would you like a Blood Test for?” The Patient replied, “To see if I’m Made of Money.”

718. A Woman asked a Man, “Ask Buddy the Dog if He Wants to Go Outside.” And The Man said, “I Don’t Think that Buddy will Answer Me, and I’ll put Him Outside Anyway.”


719. That was Well Worth It. That Paid Great Dividends. That was a Great Investment. That was, and is, Good.

720. A Man said, “I Learned How to Walk Correctly with Scissors when I was in Kindergarten. And I Still Walk Correctly with Scissors. And I Will Always Walk Correctly with Scissors. The Bible states that if you teach a Child how to Behave Correctly, He or She will Not Depart from Behaving Correctly.”

721. Every time a Man got a New Pair of Pants, Shorts, or a Jacket, He Looked through the Pockets, and He Really Expected to Find a 24 Karat Gold Watch in the Pockets.
722. A News Anchor said on the News, “The average person only gains 218 pounds on Thanksgiving.”

727. A Man named James said to a Man named Bob, about Bob’s eyeglasses that were almost covered with Dirt, and that Bob was wearing, “Bob, I think that you need to wash your eyeglasses.” And Bob said, “Why? I can almost see out of them.”

728. A guy was chasing after a penny on the road, and He said, “I’ll get you Penny. I’ll get you.” He was then hit by a Truck, and he died. A Man then said, “While you should Not Let Everything Slide, There are a few things that you should Let Slide. While you should Not Let Everything Go, there are a few things that you should Let Go. Many Things are Worth Fighting for. And Not Everything is Worth Fighting for. Many things are Important. And Not everything is Important. Many things are Very Important. And Not everything is Very Important. A Trinket is Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Bread Crumb is Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Crumb is Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Few Pennies are Often Not Worth Fighting for. Pennies are Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Penny is Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Few Dollars are Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Dollar is Often Not Worth Fighting for. A Trinket. A Bread Crumb. A Crumb. A Few Pennies. Pennies. A Penny. A Few Dollars. A Dollar.


731. A Man moved a dozen fans outside, and He started all the fans. A guy asked The Man why He did this, and The Man replied, “I moved the Fans outside to Help Stop Global Warming.”

735. What a Good Difference a Word Makes. What a Good Difference Silence Makes. What a Good Difference an Action Makes. What a Good Difference a Non-Action Makes. What a Good Difference Zero Makes. What a Good Difference Zero Times Makes. What a Good Difference No Times Makes. What a Good Difference No Makes. What a Good Difference None Makes. What a Good Difference Zilch Makes.

736. A Waitress at a Restaurant said, “What would you like to Order?” And The Man said, “I’ll have Salmon, a Salad with Blue Cheese, and is Peace of Mind on the Menu?”

742. A Man said to Another Man, “Is that You, Uncle Sam? Good Old, Uncle Sam. We Good US.”


745. A Fictional Basketball Team was ahead 107 Points to the Other Fictional Team’s 68 Points, with 8.8 Seconds Left to Play, when the Team that was Ahead Collectively Left the Basketball Court in a Show of Support for a Cause, and thereby lost the Basketball Game due to a Forfeit. Was it Worth it? Probably Not. Was it Good? Probably Not. And about No One Really Cared about Their Display of Solidarity with a Cause that No One Really Cared about. The Basketball Team should have Continued Playing, and Thereby Win Their Game.


747. The Obscene Advisors. The Obscene. Obscene. The So-Called “The Obscene Advisors” should really be Called “The Highly Intelligent and Very Knowledgeable Advisors,” as They are Very Intelligent, and They are Very Knowledgeable. Highly Intelligent. Very Knowledgeable. Intelligent. Knowleadgeable.



749. Real. Reality. Unreal. Not Real. Smokescreen. A Delusion. Delusions. Coping. Cope. Copes. Make Believe. Make Believing. Fantasy. Fantasies. Fantasize. Fantasizings. Truth. True. False. Correct. Incorrect. Correctly. Incorrectly. Good. Bad. Neutral. Goodly. Badly. Neutrally.

752. A Man Skipped going to a Meeting about Clairvoyance, and He said, “I had a premonition that something Bad would have Happened had I gone to that Meeting about Clairvoyance.”

753. My Fortune Cookie stated: “You are The Life of any Party.”

754. Some Good Sets of Good Work. The Good Sets of Good Work. The Man Worked on Some Good Sets of Good Work. The Man Worked on The Good Sets of Good Work. The Woman Worked on Some Good Sets of Good Work. The Woman Worked on The Good Sets of Good Work. They Worked on Some Good Sets of Good Work. They Worked on The Good Sets of Good Work. We Worked on Some Good Sets of Good Work. We Worked on The Good Sets of Good Work.

757. A Man walked up to a guy, and The Man said, “I am a VS, and I am also a WS, and I am also a WE, and I am also an US, and I am also a CMist, and I am also a VE, and I am Not a RT. Any Questions?”

758. When I poured My Dog, whose name is Buddy the Dog, some Dry Dog Food from a Bag, My Dog Looked at Me as if to Ask, “What is that? Would you eat that? Where is the Steak? What are you trying to Pull?”

759. A Man said, “Mens Rea, also known as MR, is More Important than You Might Realize.”

761. Aunt Mildred, using Her Walker, came down the Aisle to The Professional Wrestling Ring, and, in Her Match against a Male Wrestler, She Punched Him in His Stomach, and She Won the Match.

764. A Man said to a Turtle, “What are you Thinking?”

766. I am a GentleMan.

767. A Man said, “Many Important Things have been Stabilized. Many Important Things have been Made Stable. Many Important Things have been Centered. Many Important Things have been Centered Correctly. Many Important Things have been Balanced Correctly. Many Important Things have been Made Correct. Many Important Things have been Put in the Correct Proportions. Many Important Things have been Made Great. Many Important Things have been Made Excellent. Many Important Things have been Made Awesome. Many Important Things have been Made Right. Many Important Things have been Made Good. Stabilized. Stable. Centered. Centered Correctly. Balanced Correctly. Balanced. Made Correct. Correct Proportions. Great. Excellent. Awesome. Made Right. Made Good. Correct. Correctly. Right. Good.”

769. A Man said to another Man, “You should Often Skirt Much Controversial Talk when Talking with People. Avoidance of Much Controversial Talk when Talking with People is often Good to Do.”

770. Helmets on Their Heads, and Leather Biker Uniforms on Their Bodies, a Family of Eight went to The Flophouse Restaurant for Lunch, which was a Restaurant Building that was Put on a Large Flatbed Truck, and that Moved from the West Coast to the East Coast of the United States of America during Restaurant Hours and after Restaurant Hours. People were advised to wear Helmets and Leather Biker Clothes, as the only way off of The Flophouse Restaurant was either to Jump Off, or to get off when the Flatbed Truck ran out of Fuel, or when the Driver crashed the Truck when He had a Heart Attack or a Stroke, which sometimes happened as He weighed 887 Pounds. Getting to the Restaurant Consisted of either Jumping On, or to climb on when the Flatbed Truck ran out of Fuel, or when the Driver had The Big One, or The Ischemic Type or The Hemorrhagic Type. The Restaurant Served Award Winning Flap Jacks.

771. An Organization was Called “A Family of 7 Members,” and its Members were sometimes called “The 7,” and they were sometimes called “The 7 Members.” Another Organization was Called “A Family of 21 Members,” and its Members were sometimes called “The Lucky 21,” and they were sometimes called “The Lucky 21 Members.” And another Organization was called “A Family of about 787 Members,” and its Members were sometimes called “The 787”.

772. A Man said about another Man, “He has both Centralized and Local Support. He has a lot of Friends. He has Many Friends.”

773. A Man was 88 years old when He First Learned How to Tie His Shoes. He Learned how to Read and Write 7 years Later.

775. A Man’s Clothes were completely covered with Food, and Food Stains, and Drink Stains, and His Mother said to Him, “You should change your clothes. They are Dirty.” And The Man said, “These are Perfectly Clean Clothes. They are like New. They are Good Looking Clothes, and They Do Not Have Any Stains on Them. Do you need your Eyes Checked? Are you Blind?” The Mother said, “Would you go to a Job Interview wearing Them?” And The Man said, “Yesterday I did go to a Job Interview wearing these clothes.” And The Mother asked, “How did it go?” And The Man said, “The Interviewer told Me to go Home and Change My Clothes.”

779. A guy Flipped a Coin in the Air, and He asked a Man, “Heads or Tails?” And the Man replied, “I choose Ears.”

787. He was a King, and Now He Washes Canteens and Latrines, while Fixing a Machine, and Blogging about the Singer Avril Lavigne.

788. The Man said to a Person, “I was Speaking about a Version of You, or a Few Versions of You. I was Not Speaking about You.”


790. The guy did Not Understand that only a Few People Really Smiled Back at Him.


792. A Woman named Bethany asked Two Women where They were from. “Australia,” replied Both of Them. And then Bethany said, “Your English is Very Good,” to the Two Australian Women.

795. In the year 2013, A Man said to a guy, “Are you ready to be paid for your eight weeks worth of Labor? You get ¾ of a Penny. Do you have a Pair of Sharp Scissors?”

796. A Man said, “I am Nice when I should be Nice. And I am Not Nice when I should Not be Nice. And I am Non-Nice when I should be Non-Nice. And I am UnNice when I should be UnNice. I am Generous when I should be Generous. And I am Not Generous when I should Not be Generous. I am Non-Generous when I should be Non-Generous. And I am UnGenerous when I should be UnGenerous. I am a Good Person. I am a Moral Person. I am a Special. I am Good. I am Moral. I am Special. Nice. Not Nice. Non-Nice. UnNice. Generous. Not Generous. Non-Generous. UnGenerous.”
797. A Man said, “You should Guard Your Cereal Boxes, as a Cereal Killer is on The Prowl.”

799. A Man said to His Mother Every day, “Mom, I do Not have Ovarian Cancer. I am being Honest, and I don’t have that Cancer. I Swear, that I do Not have Ovarian Cancer.” And The Mother Replied, “Son, You have Told Me every day for about 8 years that You Do Not Have Ovarian Cancer. And for Several Reasons, I know that You are Telling Me the Truth.”

800. A Man gave a guy One Dollar. And The guy said, “This is only One Dollar, and You owe Me Two Dollars.” And The Man replied, “Put that One Dollar next to a Large Mirror, and you’ll have Two Dollars.” 

And some More of My Sayings and My Jokes:


804. During His Brief Conversation with Another Man, A Man touched His Own Face about 100 Times, and He Blinked His Eyes about 100 Times too.

807. A Person should be Concerned about Certain Things. And a Person should be Very Concerned about Certain Things. And a Person should Not be Concerned about Certain Things. And a Person should Not be Very Concerned about Certain Things. Many Things are Important. And Many Things are Very Important. And Many Things are Not Important. And Many Things are Not Very Important. Concerned. Very Concerned. Not Concerned. Not Very Concerned. Certain Things. Important. Very Important. Not Important. Not Very Important.


810. A Man put Mud all over His Body, and He said, “It’s Time to Go Mud Bathing.”


814. A Mother said to Her Son, “You Look Spiffy with Your Dress Clothes On. Are you ready to be a Scorpion to a guy?”

815. You Can’t Buy Health with Wealth, and you Can’t Get Wealth with Just Health. (A Joke Told to Me by My Grandma, Carolyn, and Written with Her Permission.)


818. A Man said to another Man, “If Grandpa Andrew Knew that, He would be Rolling in His Grave,” and Eight Seconds Later Grandpa Andrew, while in His Grave, Rolled Around because Rigormortous Set In.

827. A Man said to another Man, “During a War, and During Peace, Communications, and Communication Equipment, and Other Equipment, are Very Important. And During a War, and During Peace, Foods and Drinks are also Very Important. As a Truthful saying states, ‘An Army Marches on its Belly.’ And During a War, you do Not want You and Your Military to be Enveloped on Many Sides by The Enemy or by The Enemies. You also want to Avoid as Best as You can in Giving The Enemy, or The Enemies, Potentially Harmful Ammunitions that They can then Use against You. A Good Defense is often a Good Offense, and a Good Offense is often also a Good Defense. Morales, and Morals, are also Very Important. We Desire Peace.”

829. A Man said, “There is The MOM. And There is also THE MAM. And There is also THE MA’M.”


832. A Man put 3 Small Pumpkin Bread Crumbs in a Box, and He Mailed the Box with the Following Letter: “Dear Pumpkin Bread Manufacturing Company, My Name is Howard Howards, and I would like a Refund for My Purchase of Your Delicious Pumpkin Bread, and I have returned 3 Small Pumpkin Bread Crumbs to You, as I ate the Rest of Your Very Tasty Pumpkin Bread, and I believe, although I’m Not Positive, that, unlike the Portion that I ate, the Remaining Crumbs were Terrible, so I am Returning Them, and I would like, at the very Least, a Partial Refund, of One Eighty-Eighth (1/88) of the Money that I doled out, which is approximately 1.1 Percent of the Purchase Price, or else one penny, whichever is the Lesser Amount of Money. Yours Sincerely, Mr. Howard Howards.”

836. A Woman said to Her Son, while Holding Up Her Quilt Work, “Look Son, I Quilted a Picture of a Telephone.” And The Son Replied, “It looks Good Mom. You did a Good Job. Why, May I ask, Did You Choose to Quilt a Picture of a Telephone?” And The Mother Replied, “Because in a few seconds, I am going to pick up that Telephone that I Quilted in order to call the Ambulance to Pick Me Up, as I am Having a Psychotic Episode.”

837. Mr. Goodwin said, “A Good Win is a Good Win.”


839. A Man said to a Man named Brent, “You were about halfway in the points required to Make it in The World Record Books, and so We will put about Half of Your Name in the Record Books, which will read, ‘Bre’.”

840. A Man said, “The World is a Very Major Catastrophe away for it to be Horse and Buggy Time Again.”

841. A Man said, “Wouldn’t it Suck if Hot Sauce would Not have been Invented? Without Hot Sauce, who would Want to Eat Tacos and Burritos?”

842. A Man Buttered about 8 Pieces of Toast, while Sitting for Breakfast at His Kitchen Table, while He said, “I know which way My Bread is Buttered.”

843. Science is Very Important. Morality is Very Important. Goodness is Very Important.

844. A Man, “It may have Looked like The British Empire was about to Lose The Great War, but The British Empire Won The War. Appearances can be Deceiving, and as the often Truthful saying states, ‘Close only Counts in The Game of Horseshoes.’”

846. A Man said, “I have Good Balance, and I have Good Form.”

847. A Man asked His Insurance Agent, “Is there a Special Type of Insurance Just for a Life Threatening Paper Cut?”

848. A Teacher went to The Head of the Classroom, and He Threw a Strawberry Short Cake on His Face, and He Gorged Himself on the Cake.

850. A Woman said to a Man over the Telephone: “You have Good Manners. You were Raised Well.” And the Man Replied, “Thank You. You too have Good Manners. And you were also Raised Well.”

851. A State Lottery Official Thought about Having a Lottery Game where Winning Lottery Tickets would come from the Winning Numbers of Lottery Drawings for the Past 21 Years. However, He did Not Implement His Idea, as He did Not think Very Many People would Want to Spend Hours upon Hours Looking Up the Winning Numbers of Lottery Drawings that Happened Years Ago during the Presidencies of Several Different American Presidents.

852. A Man said to Buddy The Dog, “Buddy The Dog, You are My Buddy, and Buddy The Dog, You are Good, and You are a Good Buddy.”

853. A Man, when He was a Small Child, Had His Teeth Brushed by His Mother, and He had His Shoes Tied by His Mother, and Now, when He Grew Older, He Brushed His Mother’s Teeth, and He Tied His Mother’s Shoes.

854. A Man went to a Grocery Store, and The Clerk asked, “Would you like Paper or Plastic?” And The Man replied, “Paper, No, How about Plastic. No, How about Paper. No, How about Plastic. No, How about Paper. No, How about Plastic. No, How about Paper.”

857. A Man said, “That which may first appear to be Unimportant can actually have a Big, Good or Bad, Impact, and may have a Big, Good or Bad, Consequence. That which causes Small or Big Affects, can Have Good or Bad Affects. We can, for Good or for Bad, be Affected by Affects and by Effects.”

859. Izzy, dressed in His Wizard’s Uniform, thought to Himself, “I was a Spell Catcher.”

860. A Man said, while putting His Arms in the Symbol of an Arch, “Throw the Shawl of Temporary Insanity over that Woman. And Throw the Shawl of Temporary Insanity over that Man. That Woman is Safe. That Man is also Safe. King George is Not the Only Person who was Temporarily Insane. Temporary Insanity is also Known by the Acronym ‘TI.’”

862. Mr. Cotton Cautioned Mr. Cushion to Exercise More Caution.

863. The Man did Not do that. The Man has Never done that. The Man will Never do that. The Man knows what Bad Consequences (also Known by the Acronym “BC”) will Happen if He were to do that. The Man said, “No,” and He Meant what He said. The Man Frequently says, “No,” and He Means what He says. No.

865. A Man said, “Cleveland High School Taught Me Many Valuable Things. And Georgetown University also Taught Me Many Valuable Things. And Church Services also Taught Me Many Valuable Things.”

866. A Man called a Large Online Store’s Customer Service Department: “Hello, this is Customer Service. How May I Help You?” said a Store Worker. The Man replied: “Hi, I would like to Cancel the Mailing of an Order that I Placed 8 years ago.” The Store Worker: “Has the Order Arrived Yet? I imagine that it has.” The Man: “Yes, it Arrived about 8 years ago.” The Store Worker: “Well, you then can’t Cancel the Mailing of that Order, as you got that Order about 8 years ago.” The Man: “Why can’t I Cancel the Mailing of that Order? 8 years is Not that Long Ago.”

869. A Man said, “I am a 1980s Man. I was Born on August 15, 1980 (08/15/1980), and I was Conceived in My Mother’s Womb on about January 1, 1980 (01/1/1980), on about New Year’s Day. I was Born and Raised in the 1980s in The United States of America. This information, and other information, tells you a lot about Me. As does the Bible verse, in The Book of Psalms, that states that Father God, ‘Knew you when You were in Your Mother’s Womb.’”


872. A Man said to a Woman, “I was also a Member of several Karate Clubs, and I had a Karate Class during College.”

873. While The Man was Thinking about Funny Things, He frequently Laughed to Himself Aloud throughout The Day and throughout The Night as He Rocked in His Rocking Chair.

874. A Man called a Large Magazine Company and the Customer Service Representative said, “This is The Large Magazine Company, How May I Help You?” And the Man said, “About 88 years ago, My Great, Great Grandfather, Teddy, subscribed to The Large Magazine Company’s Magazine, and He only paid 21 cents then, which was a Hefty Amount of Money then. 21 cents is still a Hefty Amount of Money for Me, and that’s what I would like to pay for 12 issues of your Magazine. About 2 cents an Issue for Your Magazine seems like a Good Deal for Both Me and The Large Magazine Company. The Customer Service Representative Replied, “Sir, 88 years ago is a Long Time ago. Have you heard about The Concept of Inflation?” The Man then Replied, “What is Inflation? That sounds like a Conspiracy Theory to Me.”

877. A Teacher asked a Man during Class, “Have you heard about The Concept of Mutually Assured Destruction, also Known by the Acronym MAD?” The Man replied, “MAD sounds like a Happy and Fun Concept.”

878. A Man said, “I do Not want to Paint Myself in a Corner. And I do Not Want to Paint Very Many Individuals in Corners, except this guy, who is also My Lightning Rod,” as The Man Literally Painted a guy in a Corner with Paint, while The Man said, “guy, Hold this Lightning Rod,” and The Man gave the guy a Lightning Rod to Hold.

879. The Horseshoe Gazette Newspaper had 1.21 People who were Subscribers to the Newspaper.

880. A Man Named Mort, while He was Visiting a Port, went to a Court to File a Tort.

881. A Police Officer said to a Woman, “I just saw the Most Horrible Crime Known to Humanity when I looked into a Man’s Window.” The Woman asked, “What was that?” The Police Officer replied, “I saw an Elderly Man drinking a Beer. Isn’t that Just Horrible? I am seriously thinking about going to a Judge to Ask for an Arrest Warrant for that Man.” The Woman then said, “Was there a Time Warp? Is this the 1920s to the early 1930s?”

882. The Man’s Phone was Not Smart. And The Man did Not Want a Smart Phone. And The Man did Not Buy a Smart Phone. The Man had a Normal Phone that was Easy to Use, and that was More Inexpensive than a Smart Phone.

883. A Man said, “I have Flown in an Airplane. And I have Flown in a Helicopter. And I have gone Snowmobiling on a Snowmobile.”
884. A Man said, “Dr. Daniel Billmeyer was My Physician for Many Years. And He was The Physician for Many of My Family Members for Many Years.”
885. Buddy The Dog went Out The Door of a House, and a Woman said, “Buddy The Dog, please close the door behind you. And Don’t forget to call Me on Your Cellphone if You Need Anything. And Don’t Play in Traffic.”


886. A Man and a Woman wheeled a Giant Microwave in a Home’s Living Room, and They Both got in the Giant Microwave, while the Man said, “When That Villain comes Home, He will Never Suspect that We are Listening to Him while We are in this Giant Microwave. It is the Perfect Secret Hideaway.” And the Woman Replied, “What if He sees US by looking through the Giant Microwave’s Glass Door?” And The Man said, “That will Never occur to Him.”


887. A Woman asked a Man, “What are you Looking at on The Internet?” And The Man replied, “I am Looking up the Television shows that were on between the hours of 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. 58 years ago. I do this Every Day at Noon and at Midnight. I want to see what Television Shows that I missed while I was in School.”


888. A Man frequently Wanted there to be only Two NBA Basketball Teams, with One Team called The West Coast, and The Other Team called The East Coast, and with The West Coast Basketball Team representing The East Coast, and The East Coast Basketball Team representing The West Coast. The Man was a Big Believer and Participant in Opposite Day, and, for Him, every day was Opposite Day.

890. A Man said to Buddy the Dog, “I like that you are also a Brindle Dog.”


891. While in His Car, a Man got Pulled over by a Police Officer. The Police Officer said, while Shining His Flashlight in the Car, “Is that an open Soda Bottle? You know that it is against The Law to Drive with an Open cola Bottle don’t You? Get out of the car.” The Man got out of the Car, and The Man said, “Officer, I can Explain.” The Police Officer replied, “Whoooo! WE! Your Breath smells like Sugar. Have you been Drinking and Driving after You drank some Soda? You know that the Legal Blood Sugar Limit in North Dakota is Zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero Eight Percent, Correct?” The Man said, “Officer, I can Explain.” The Police Officer said, “Don’t Smart Mouth Me, Mr. Sassy. Put your Hands behind your back and be prepared to be Handcuffed. While you are Not being Arrested, You are instead being Placed in Police Custody until You get a Blood Sugar Test. Son, are you Ready to go to Jail for up to 8 years if your Blood Sugar is more than The Legal Limit?” The Police Officer then Handcuffed the Man, and He drove Him to get His Blood Sugar Test.

892. A Man said, “I’m Blondie. And My Name is also Blondie.”

894. A Man said to a Nice Looking Woman who weighed about 120 Pounds, “You don’t need to Wear that Girdle. You are Thin and Good Looking without that Girdle.” The Woman replied, “You have Never seen Me without Me wearing this Girdle. I don’t think that You’ll Like what I Look without this Girdle On. I am going to take it off for You right Now.” The Woman took off Her Girdle, and, when the Camera came back to Viewing Her, She, was, while Wearing a Fat Suit, appeared to weigh about 800 pounds, with about 3 Chins, with Rainbow Colored Hair, and while Wearing an Eye Patch, and While Grinning while Wearing Dentures that had Very, Very Crooked Teeth, and Yellow Teeth, and with a Very Withered Hand, and while Wearing Clothing with Holes all over Them, and with Moths Flying Almost Everywhere. She then said, “Do you like What I look like with Without My Girdle On?” The Man then said, “Put that Girdle on Right Now. Right Away!”

896. A Greeter at a Store said to Each Shopper, “Hey, That is Insurance Fraud! You should Know Better. You could Spend about 8 Years in Prison for That. Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, and a Happy New Year! Thank You for Shopping at Our Store.”

897. A Man said, “Going to Christian Summer Camps as a Child was Good Fun, and I Learned a Lot.”


899. A Man said, “I Learned about The Looking Glass Concept from a Professor while I was in a College Classroom about Sociology. And that Concept, and Other Psychological and Sociological Concepts, is Sometimes Important to Know About.”

900. A Man was Standing on a Street Corner, and He Told Everyone who Passed by Him, “I learned in Biology Class that Viruses Spread Easily. Viruses Spread Easily. Viruses Spread Easily. Viruses Spread Easily.”


901. On a Social Networking Website, a Woman asked, “Should I post pictures of My Tattoos?” And The Man replied, “If you would like. It would depend on where The Tattoos are.”


902. A Man named Jason, after He Washed His Hands in a Water Basin, asked a Haitian, who was also a Mason, How Many People He Knew who were Named Jason, Jacen, Tyson, or Dyson.

903. For about 33 years, whenever someone asked a Man what the Day was, The Man would always reply, “Today’s Date is December 22nd, 2013.” A Woman said, “Before and after the year 2013, and for about 33 years, you have always said that is December 22, 2013.” And the Man replied, “Don’t you like The Christmas Season?”

905. A Man said, “Like what Like would Like You Like Want Like to Like Like Do Like?”

906. A Group of Adults were Watching TV, when one of Them said, “Let’s Play a Game of Phone Tag.”

907. A Man on the Street kept on Yelling: “He has a Jaspers Stone, Oh No! He has a Jaspers Stone, Oh No! He has a Jaspers Stone, Oh No!”


910. A Man said, “I have that guy’s Number, Both His Metaphorical Number, as well as His Literal Number.”

911. A Man called a guy, and The Man said, “Hello, is this My Next Door Neighbor who is also a Member of Felons’ Anonymous?” And the guy said, “Yes, would you please make it Quick, as I have to Report to Prison Tonight for My Recent Grand Larceny Conviction.” And the Man Replied, “Before you Head off to Prison, could you please Head to My House? I need a Dependable Person, such as Yourself, to Hold on to My Winning Lottery Ticket. I won a 488 Million Dollar Lottery Prize, and I do not want anything to Happen to It. Are You up for the Task of Being My Guardian of My Winning Lottery Ticket?” And the guy replied, “I’ll be over to Your House in about 8 Seconds. And be sure Not to sign the back of that Lottery Ticket, as I don’t want to be Accused Again of Being in Possession of Stolen Goods. I have served Enough Time in Prison as it is.” And The Man said, “I know that My Lottery Ticket will be in Good Hands.”

912. A Man said, “I have Always had Friends. And I have Always had A Lot of Friends. I have Friends. And I have A Lot of Friends. And I will Always have Friends. And I will Always have A Lot of Friends. Having Friends is Important. And Having A Lot of Friends is also Important. Having Friends is Good. And Having A Lot of Friends is also Good.”

918. A Man said, “Sometimes it Really Matters what a Person Says and Writes, and Sometimes it Does Not Really Matter what a Person Says and Writes. You should have Metaphorical Broad Shoulders. A Grown Adult should Not be a Metaphorical Cry Baby about Unimportant Things. Many Things do Not Really Matter. And Many Things do Really Matter. Many Things are Important. And Many Things are Not Important. Many Things are Very Important. And Many Things are Not Very Important. You should be Strong. Strong.”

919. A Man said, “There are often Different Strains and/or Different Versions of Viruses, and with Some Strains and/or Some Versions of Viruses being More Harmful and/or More Deadly than Other Strains and/or than Other Versions of Viruses. You often do Not Want to Contract Certain Strains and/or Versions of Certain Viruses, and Some Strains and/or Versions of Certain Viruses are Very Difficult, and Perhaps Impossible, to Cure, and Some Strains and/or Versions of Viruses have Different Affects on Bodies, and Some Strains and/or Versions of Viruses can Kill You Quickly. The Same is Also Often True with Other Diseases.”

920. A Man said, “You should Not do Many Things. And You should Not Write Many Things. And You should Not Say Many Things. If You Do, Write, or Say Many Things, Someone, or Karma, May Get You. You should frequently have Restraint. You should frequently Not do Certain Things. Having a Good Amount of Restraint is Often Good. Restraint.”

921. A Man said, “I have a Good Memory. And I have a Very Good Memory. And I have a Great Memory. And I have a Very Great Memory. And I have an Excellent Memory. And I have a Very Excellent Memory. And I have an Awesome Memory. And I have a Very Awesome Memory. I am Good. I am Moral. And I am Special.”


922. A Man said, “You should Not be a Person who Kills The Metaphorical Goose who Metaphorically Lays The Golden Eggs. A Person should be Smart. A Person should be Good. Smart. Good.”

923. A Man said, “I often Care about Not Asking Someone something that is Embarrassing. And I often Care about Not Asking Someone something that is Potentially Embarrassing. As is the case with Many Other Individuals, I am often Concerned about Not Asking Questions, or Doing Certain Things, that can Cause a Person to Lose Face. There are also Different Priorities, and with Certain Things being More Important, and with Certain Things being Much More Important, than Other Things. I am Good. I am Moral. I am Special.”

925. A Man said, “Sometimes, in Some Ways, I am The Mimic, and I Sometimes do Mimicking, and it is often Good for People to be Mimics, and it is often Good for People to do Mimicking.”

926. A Man said, “Certain Things should Be Done and/or Said and/or Written in Private, and Certain Things should Be Done and/or Said and/or Written in Public, and Many Things should Not Be Done and/or Said and/or Written at all. It is Good to Frequently have Restraint. There is a Time, and there is a Place, for Many Things, and there is Not a Time, and there is Not a Place, for Many Things. Private. Public. Restraint.”

930. Grandpa Charles and Grandma Irene won a Basketball Game against 21 Professional Basketball Teams, whose Basketball Players were all on the same Basketball Court at the Same Time.

931. A Five Foot Nine Inch Man said to another Man, “My New Year’s Resolution is to Weigh 7 Pounds. Or do You think that is Too Extreme?”

932. A Man said to Buddy The Dog, “You have a Good Head on Your Shoulders, if You have Shoulders.”

935. A Woman was Wearing an Avocado Cream Mask on Her Face, and She Went into Seizures, when She said, “I am Not Doing Well on My New Medication.”

936. A Man made a Very Unnecessary Risk on a Game Show, as He would have Won a lot of Money even if He had not Made a Very Unnecessary Risk, and another Man then said, “He won enough Money to go to a Psychologist to see why He Made that Very Unnecessary Risk.”

938. A Man said, “For 58 Consecutive Years, I have worn Nicotine Patches to Help Me Stop Smoking, and in about 31 More Consecutive Years of Wearing These Patches, I Think that I’ll be Able to Cease from Wearing Them. I will only be 121 years of age then.”

942. A Man said to a Woman, “This is My Very Mini Mini Mini Mini French Press for My Coffee, for the Times when I only want to have a Very Small Sip of Coffee, and this is also My Very Mini Mini Mini Mini Refrigerator for My Bread Crumbs, and actually it can only hold about One Bread Crumb, and it is a Very Energy Efficient Refrigerator,” as The Man showed a Woman His French Press that was about 1 inch tall, and He Showed a Woman His Refrigerator that was also about 1 inch tall.

943. A Man who was 100 Years of Age was Overheard saying, “I think that I’ll get My Law Degree in about 51 Years.”

944. A Man had a Coffee Cup that was about 8 Feet Wide, and about 8 Feet Tall, and that was Sitting in His Living Room, and The Man said to a guy, “This is My Coffee Cup that I fill to the Brim with Coffee Every Day, and I also sometimes Swim in it.” And the guy replied, “It’s Huge! Why do you have such a Big Coffee Cup?” And The Man replied, “My Doctor told Me to Limit the amount of Coffee I drink every day by Limiting My Consumption to about One Cup of Coffee a Day. And I’m Just Following My Doctor’s Orders.”

945. A Man said, while Looking and Acting Very Paranoid, “Lookalikes are Pouring in! Lookalikes are Pouring in Right and Right!” And a guy replied, “You mean Lookalikes are Pouring in Left and Right?” And The Man replied, “No, They are Not Coming in from The Left, only from The Right.”
946. A Man said to a guy, “This is My Personal Collection of 801 Flashlights,” as The Man pointed to some of His Many Flashlights around His House. And the guy said, “Why do you have so Many Flashlights?” And The Man said, “You Never Know if the Power to the House will go Out, and a Flashlight might also Malfunction. It is better to be Safe than to be Sorry. I thought about getting 8,001 Flashlights, but I thought that might be Excessive. Do you want to see My Personal Collection of Fire Extinguishers? I have 801 of them too, as one of them might Malfunction.”
947. A Man asked a guy, “Do you want some Peanuts?” And the guy replied, “That sounds great.” And The Man said, “How about One Eighth of just one Peanut. I’m sort of running low on Peanuts.”
948. Using Computer Animation, a Golf Ball, which was said to have a Computer Chip in it to do these things, completed Loops and other Acrobatic Feats before it went into 8 Holes in One, one by one.
949. A Man said to a Hotel Clerk, “I would like a Room in your Hotel as close to the Top of the Building as Possible.” And The Clerk replied, “Sir, May I ask Why you want that?” And The Man replied, “I like to be as close to Heaven as I can. And on Wednesday, which is Tomorrow, I would like to be Housed in Your Hotel’s Basement, as I also like to be as close to Hell as Possible, and I would like then for the Furnace and the Air Conditioning and The Fans to be Turned off, and for you to deny Me Food, Water, and Companionship when I go to Your Basement, which will Help Replicate what it is Like in Hell.”

950. A Man said, “The Apostrophe, ‘ , can mean much more than Many People realize, and it can also indicate present tense, future tense, and past tense.”

951. A Pizza Delivery Guy unlocked His Customer’s Front Door, and He went inside the House, and He then said, “Knock Knock, The Pizza Delivery Guy is Here with Your Pizza.” And The Man and The Woman who owned the House, who were Startled, said, “How did you get in here? How did you get a key to Our House?” And The Pizza Delivery Guy said, “Didn’t you read the fine print when you ordered your Pizza Online? It states that by Ordering Online with Our Pizza Company, you consent to We having a Key to Your House. It also states that We Must have a Key to Your Automobile, and also Keys to Your Safes, or else the Correct Number Codes to Your Safes if applicable, as well as the Passwords to Your Email Addresses and to Your Social Network Websites, and Please Fork those Over to Me Now. Don’t you know that the Most Important Thing in Life is to obey a Contract?”

953. A Sign on a Mailbox said, “Missing, Wanted, and with an Award of 8 Trillion Dollars for Whoever Finds: A Mini Mini Mini Mini French Press for Coffee that is Only about One Inch Tall. And it was Last Seen Shattered into Small Parts of Glass and Thrown into a Trash Can. I miss that French Press So Much. And Please Help Me Find it. -- Mrs. Harriet Harre.”
954. A Man wore a Tee-Shirt that stated, “Invade The Future Now.”

955. A Man had a Chin that was about 8 Feet Long, and it also had a Bird’s Nest on the End of the Chin, with Birds Flying Almost Everywhere.

958. At a Wedding Ceremony, when The Bride and The Groom were Leaving, instead of throwing Sesame Seeds, the Members of The Audience Threw Turkeys, both Live Turkeys and Dead Turkeys, Turkey Basters, Pans, Apples, and Oranges at The Bride and The Groom.

963. A Man said, “Regarding My Ethnicity, I’m Negative 88 Percent Honey Badger, and I’m Negative 63 Percent Brown Bear, and I’m Negative 9 Percent Squid, and I’m 808 Percent Zimmow. Any Questions?”

966. A Man said, “These Devices in this Box are Ball Bearings,” and He then Fell Down, and the Ball Bearings went all over the place, and The Man said, “I lost My Bearing!”

967. It was Very Foggy Outside, and a Man in a car said to another Man, “If this Fog causes a Car Accident, who are We going to Sue? Mother Nature? Last Time that I heard, Mother Nature was Judgment Proof.”

969. A Man said, “Buddy The Dog, where are you?” The Man then Picked Up Buddy’s Collar with Buddy’s ID Tag on It, and, while Moving the ID Tag Up and Down, The Man said, “Buddy, I hear your Collar’s ID Tag Jangling, so you must be close By. Where are you?”

972. A Bear was Skiing on a Ski Slope, and a Man asked, “Why are you skiing here, Bear?” And The Bear replied, “Because the Weather is Humid in Washington, DC.”
974. The Woman was a Character for only about 10 minutes to about 31 minutes a Day, about every Day.
975. While Wrapping Presents, a Man got caught up in Wrapping Paper, and He eventually Fell down the Stairs, after Going around and around while Wrapped up in His House.
976. Mr. Michael Mayer was a Mayor, and He did Not Like Sandwiches with Mayo.

977. A Man looked at a Food Item in His Refrigerator that had an Expiration Date of January 2, 1865, and The Man said, “I only eat Food with Expiration Dates after The Civil War Ended. Food with Expiration Dates from January 1st 1880 onwards would be Safe, while Foods with Expiration Dates of January 2nd 1865, and before, would Not be Safe.”

978. A 33 year old Man said to His Mother, “Do you still have My Clothes when I was about 8 years old? I have only grown about two feet since then, and I have only gained about 120 pounds since then, and I think that those clothes may still fit Me.”

979. Buddy the Dog said, “Mom, I want to see you put My food on My plate right after you open up the can. I don’t want worming medication in My food again.”

980. A Stapler stapled a Man’s tie to a piece of paper, and then the Stapler had a mind of its own, and it stapled pieces of equipment throughout The Office.

981. A Man repeatedly changed His Shirts within a Very Short Amount of Time, saying, “I got tired of that Shirt. How do you like this one?”

982. Buddy the Dog said, "Why don't you offer Me a piece of Chocolate? I'm tired of eating Dog Food."
983. A Man said, "I drove an ATV Vehicle before. I'll drive this one." The ATV then went all over the place, and it crashed.

984. A Man said, “I often look under My Blankets and My Sheets before I go to Sleep to see if there is a Turtle there having a Wrestling Match.”
985. The Man is a Virus Researcher (known by the Acronym VR), and He Helped, and He Helps, Cure Viruses. The Man is also a Scientist, and He also Helped, and He Helps, Cure other Diseases.
987. A Website’s Number of Page Views decreased until it reached a Negative Number, and the Number of Page Views for a Website was Negative 8,862.

988. Men and Women were Laughing and Having a Great Time, and a Man said, “What is Wrong? You guys look Sad. Why are you Sad? Why are you Not Happy? Why are you Crying?”

989. A Realtor said to Her Clients after They came into a House, “This House is Vacant. It has been Vacant for Several Years.” A Family of Eight were inside the House, and They said, “What are you Talking About? We are Here. Our House is Not Vacant. And it’s Not for Sale. How did you get in?” And the Realtor then said to Her Clients, “Someone must have accidentally left the water on upstairs, which is Why you are Hearing that Background Noise. I think that the Owners made the Right Move by Moving Out of the House while it is Up for Sale.” And one of the Owner’s Said to the Realtor, “What? What Planet are you From?” And The Realtor then said to Her Clients, “That Water being on Upstairs is Really Annoying, and I’m going to go Up there and Turn it Off Now.” When the Water was Turned Off, the Owners of the House turned into Birds, and They Flew out of The House.

990. The Man said, “Not all of US like US. And Not all of US are Friends of US. Some People like US. And Some People are Friends of US. It is Rare for Someone to like US. And It is Rare for Someone to be Friends of US. US. Like. Rare. Friends.”

991. A Man ran into His House, and He said to His Mother, “The Weirdos are Out There. I Barely Escaped the Weirdos from Getting Me.” A Piece of Paper was Put Under the Front Door, and the Man read it, and it said, “The Weirdos would like to come in. Can We come inside? -- Signed, Mr. Walter Weirdo.”

992. A Man said, “In the Year 2013 and Beyond, A Person was Rich if He or She had 7 or More Dollars. And In the Year 2013 and Beyond, a Person was Correctly Considered Lucky, Fortunate, Blessed, and Rare if He or She had Food to Eat, Drinks to Drink, Clothes to Wear, and a Home to Live in.”

993. A Man turned on one Burner of His Stove, and He said to His Friend, “The Furnace is Not Working, and this Burner to the Stove should Heat the House in about 8,001 Hours.” And The Man’s Friend said, “Why don’t you turn on all four burners of the stove, instead of just turning on One?” And The Man replied, “I don’t want to get the House too Hot too Fast.”


996. For 22 Hours a Day, 7 Days a Week, for 8.2168 years, The Man quoted Nonstop from the 19th Century Prime Minister of Great Britain, Benjamin Disraeli.

997. The Man said, “I have Never Really been Vulnerable. I am Not Really Vulnerable. And I will Never Really be Vulnerable.”

998. On December 12, 1212, and, according to the Local Sun Dial, it was about 12:01 p.m., a Company was Denied a Business License by The Local Authorities for Operating a Fast Food Drive Thru that at Night Served as a Drive In Movie Theatre, as it was said to be Too Advanced for that Age.

999. During a Period of about 31 Seconds, a Man repeatedly asked about 21 times another Man, “Do you Want some of this Food? Are you sure? Do you Want some of this Food? Are you sure? Do you Want some of this Food? Are you sure?”

1,000. During a Period of about 31 Seconds, a Man repeatedly asked about 21 times another Man, “What is your Name? Are you sure? What is your Name? Are you sure? What is your Name? Are you sure?”

1,001. The Man said, “I know how to Count to Zero.” 

And some More of My Sayings and some More of My Jokes:

1,002. An Eight Year Old Boy said, “I’ve Worked for 89 Years. I worked in The Newspaper Industry. I was a Copy Editor and a Staff Writer for a Newspaper. And I am an Alumnus of Georgetown University, which is also My Alma Mater. And I’m Retired Now. I have worked for 81 more years than I have been alive.”

1,005. In Order to Lose Weight, The Man was on a Candy Bar, Lollipop, Soda Pop, and Popcorn Diet.
1,006. While Outside, The Man said, “Hey Doll, how are you doing?” And The Woman replied, “I’m doing Great. How are you doing?” And The Man said, “I’m Not Talking to you. I’m Talking to Your Doll that’s on the Windowsill.”

1,008. A Computer was all Smashed up, and a Man said to His Wife, “The Tech guy is coming over to see what is wrong with My Computer, and why it won’t work.” The Tech guy came, and upon picking up the Smashed up Computer, He said, “I think the problem is the power cord.” The Man said, “OK, can you have a look at the TV. It’s Not working either.” The Tech guy looked at the Smashed Up TV, whose screen was also all Smashed to Pieces, and the Tech guy said, “I think the problem with Your TV is that its power cord has serious poblems.” The Man replied, “You don’t think the problems with My Computer and My Television is that They are Very Smashed Up, and that Their Screens are Shattered to Pieces?” And the Tech guy said, “No, I think the problems are with their Power Cords.”
1,012. A Man said to another Man, “In this Town, if You Burp, within about 8 minutes everyone Here will know about that.”

1,013. At a Party, a Man said to every Question, “I will Consult My Attorney about that.” For example, someone asked Him, “What is Your Name?” And The Man replied, “I will Consult My Attorney about that.” A person replied, “Why would you have to Consult Your Attorney about that?” And The Man replied, “I will Consult My Attorney about that.”

1,014. The Man said, “His Moustache is Fake. And His Double Chin is Real.”


1,018. A Dog went to the Witness Stand in a Courtroom, and a Dog Translator Translated the Dog’s Barking into the English Language.

1,019. A Man said to another Man, “Good Morning approximately 9.283 Hours before it is Morning. A Very Early, Early Morning Greeting to You.”

1,020. While Cooking Lamb with a Frying Pan, The Man said, “Man, Uncle Sam is Here Ma’am, and He’s Here to Help you Out of Your Jam and Lam.”

1,021. In Alaska, a Marathon Lasted for 88 Consecutive Days and Nights. And it was a Long Marathon. And The Runners were Very Tired. And The Runners were Very Cold.

1,022. A Boy asked His Mother, “Is Cottage Cheese Made in Cottages? Or are The Cottages made in The Cheese?”

1,023. By the Sea, you can Search for and See Lions, Sea Lions, Sea Urchins, and Seals.

1,024: There are Many Ways to Correctly and to Truthfully Express the Concept and the Phrase “it is 7:51 p.m.” For example, You can say, it is Nine Minutes until 8:00 p.m. Or you can say, it is Seven Hours and Fifty One Minutes past Noon. And you can say, “it is 4 Hours and Nine Minutes until Midnight.” All those Phrases are Correct and are Truthful in Expressing the Concept and the Phrase, “it is 7:51 p.m.,” and “7:51 p.m.,” as is the case with other easy to understand phrases, is often used instead of more complex phrases, as it is easier to understand, and it is easier to say, and it is a commonplace and easy to understand phrase, rather than being an esoteric, and perhaps strange, phrase.

1,025. A Man said, “There may be Sometimes Tears in Heaven, which You may Witness when it Rains.”

1,026. Everywhere a Man went, both Inside His House, and Outside His House, He carried a Large Vacuum Cleaner, and a Large Carpet Cleaner, and He said, “You Never know when a Carpet will be in Need of a Good Cleaning.”

1,027. The Man said, “A Drive Thru is Better than a Drive By.”

1,028. At a Party, a Man said to about 4 People, “You would Look Better in a Tank Top. Don’t you think that you’d look Better in a Tank Top? I know that you would.”

1,030. The Man said, “I haven’t gotten the Mail in over 2 years. Today is a Sunday, so there shouldn’t be any Mail in the Mailbox.”

1,031. The Man said, “Do you think that He that makes His Own Money?” And The Man also said, “How do you think that He makes His own money?” These are Double Entendre Phrases, and they are Double Meaning Phrases.

1,032. There is a Phrase that I have Seen, which I will Paraphrase, “Don’t Make it so that a Loyal Person No Longer Gives a Darn.”

1,033. The Man said to a Group of Runners, “Runners, On your Mark, get Set, Win VR.”

1,034. The Man said, “Lift on the Count of 3. Ready? Eight Thousand Forty Four, 9 Million and Ten, 3, and Lift.”
1,038. The Man said, “He is counting His Pennies too Much. And He should instead be counting His Dollars More. And He should be Looking at The Big Picture More. And He should be Looking at The Big Pictures More.”

1,039. During The United States of America’s Presidential Debates, a Presidential Contestant debated another Presidential Contestant who was in a Coma, and The Man in a Coma had a Running Mate who had passed away, and He was Ashes in an Urn. The Man in the Coma, and His Vice President who was in an Urn, won The Presidential Election.
1,041. The Man asked a guy, “How are you doing?” And the guy replied, “7.” The Man then said, “What have you been up to?” And the guy said, ‘7.’” And The Man said, “What do you mean by saying ‘7?’” And the guy replied, “7.”

1,043. The Man said, while putting His Arms in the Symbol of an Arch, “Confused. Confusion. Throw the Shawl of Confused on The Man. And Throw the Shawl of Confusion on The Man. And Throw the Shawl of Temporary Confused (TC) on The Man. And Throw the Shawl of Temporary Confusion (TC) on The Man. And Throw the Shawl of Temporarily Confused (TC) on The Man. And Throw the Shawl of Temporarily Confusion (TC) on The Man. Throw the Shawl of Confused on The Woman. And Throw the Shawl of Confusion on The Woman. And Throw the Shawl of Temporary Confused (TC) on The Woman. And Throw the Shawl of Temporary Confusion (TC) on The Woman. And Throw the Shawl of Temporarily Confused (TC) on The Woman. And Throw the Shawl of Temporarily Confusion (TC) on The Woman. That Man is Safe. And that Woman is Safe. King George is Not the Only Person who was Confused, had Confusion, was Temporarily Confused, and had Temporary Confusion. Temporary Confused is also known by the Acronym TC. And Temporarily Confusion is also known by the Acronym TC. Confused. Confusion. Temporarily Confused. Temporary Confused. Temporarily Confusion.”